I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
