God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
