i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
