I got chris browned last night
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i believe in u and ur pee
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
