She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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