He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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