You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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