my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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