Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
