ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
