So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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