My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
