I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
