I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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