Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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