allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
