you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
