She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
