You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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