I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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