She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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