I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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