handjob tips. give me some.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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