Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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