I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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