In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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