I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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