imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
