A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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