last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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