Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
