We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
