i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
