I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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