i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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