I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
