So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently the secret to your success is patron
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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