i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You are the jesus of drinking
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
