Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
