If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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