I'm jealous of your bromance
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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