My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
