mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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