I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
