your room smells of hookers.
And success
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
