I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
