After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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