after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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