you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
