He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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