i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
