i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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