I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize