Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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