I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
