John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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