He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize