Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
